Joke of the Day! [Archive] - Siouxcountry.com

dvsness

02-27-2008, 02:33 PM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

SBT

02-27-2008, 02:47 PM

Good idea on this one!

Shelly

02-27-2008, 05:27 PM

:lol5::lol5:

dvsness

03-04-2008, 02:33 AM

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

· Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
· Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
· Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
· Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
· Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
· Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
· Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
· Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
· Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
· Rinse conditioner off hair.
· Shave armpits and legs.
· Turn off shower.
· Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
· Spray mold spots with Tilex.
· Get out of shower.
· Dry with towel the size of a small country.
· Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..
· Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

· Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
· Walk naked to the bathroom.
· If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
· Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
· Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
· Get in the shower.
· Wash your face.
· Wash your armpits.
· Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
· Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
· Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
· Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
· Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
· Pee.
· Rinse off and get out of shower.
· Partially dry off.
· Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
· Admire wiener size in mirror again..
· Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
· Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
· Throw wet towel on bed.

jasons805

03-04-2008, 02:49 AM

funny stuff :LOLOL:

layla17

03-04-2008, 06:38 PM

That's a great one.... and all too true.

dvsness

03-05-2008, 02:40 PM

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That’s a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I’d like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

NPCFigure 40

03-05-2008, 08:52 PM

that was a good one!:ps

dvsness

03-08-2008, 02:11 AM

Weight Loss for Men

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Siouxcountry

03-08-2008, 02:41 AM

lol :D

dvsness

03-11-2008, 03:26 AM

Business cards and signs

Anesthesiologist business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'

On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'

On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'

At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'

In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'

At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'

On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'

In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'

Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak'

Bernie

03-11-2008, 03:53 AM

those are all awesome

SBT

03-11-2008, 05:06 AM

Yeah I liked them all too ;)

ibarramedia

03-11-2008, 05:09 AM

Yeah I liked them all too ;)

Funny aren't they.

dvsness

03-12-2008, 03:28 PM

http://us.f321.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/us/ShowLetter?box=Inbox&MsgId=3103_3196071_54939_3191_7370_0_273961_13597_ 1982104244&bodyPart=2&YY=71611&y5beta=yes&y5beta=yes&order=down&sort=date&pos=0&view=a&head=b&Idx=2

Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

SBT

03-12-2008, 03:42 PM

:rolf:

WOW!!! How true is THAT statement right there!!

Siouxcountry

03-12-2008, 07:50 PM

anglicanbeachparty

03-12-2008, 08:00 PM

Question: How can you make a small fortune as a female bodybuilder?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

... wait for it!

.

.

.

.

Answer: Start with a large fortune!

Sad, ain't it?

Shelly

03-12-2008, 08:01 PM

LOL

i did actually chuckle at that one.

dvsness

03-14-2008, 04:15 PM

One for NYers or those who follow politics:

Why did the Governor use hookers?

Because his wife was a Spitzer, not a swallower.

KMS

03-14-2008, 04:34 PM

Wanna know my funny for the day???................................

After WHAT like a year

I just got your screen name dvsness

I can be sooooooooo dumb sometimes :rolleyes:

dvsness

03-14-2008, 04:49 PM

Wanna know my funny for the day???................................

After WHAT like a year

I just got your screen name dvsness

I can be sooooooooo dumb sometimes :rolleyes:

Lol, there are some people who never get it. :D

ibarramedia

03-15-2008, 06:21 PM

One for NYers or those who follow politics:

Why did the Governor use hookers?

Because his wife was a Spitzer, not a swallower.

Hahaha I guess he can retire this now. Or get a new one. ;) :D

http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh118/ibarramedia/BT-client9-gallery-5267.jpg http://www.smilies.smileyville.net/smilies/529.gif http://www.smilies.smileyville.net/smilies/487.gif

Shelly

03-15-2008, 06:21 PM

Hahaha I guess he can retire this now. Or get a new one. ;) :D

http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh118/ibarramedia/BT-client9-gallery-5267.jpg http://www.smilies.smileyville.net/smilies/529.gif http://www.smilies.smileyville.net/smilies/487.gif

:p:p:p

dvsness

03-21-2008, 01:59 AM

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.

We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2008.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/25/07 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2008? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS

Siouxcountry

03-21-2008, 02:32 AM

lol at those dam beavers! :spit:

Bernie

03-21-2008, 02:58 AM

dam beavers and defacating bears oh my........

dvsness

03-28-2008, 01:30 PM

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.

Bernie

03-28-2008, 11:16 PM

hhahahahahaha....i like it..

**takes off for the liquor store**

dvsness

04-02-2008, 11:21 AM

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine

cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're

very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and

before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Shelly

04-04-2008, 02:02 PM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a beautiful girl from New Jersey. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

dvsness

04-09-2008, 06:33 PM

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles.

Femphysiquefan

04-09-2008, 09:06 PM

An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a "W.C." [water closet, the English euphemism for bathroom] around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a "W.C." around. The schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tired to discover the meaning of the letters "W.C.," and the only solution they could find for the letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note:

Dear Madam:

I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there are a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford to go by car arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is a musical accompaniment. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can't attend regularly. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of service to you, I remain,

Sincerely,

The Schoolmaster.

dvsness

04-11-2008, 07:43 PM

What do you call the magic wand that can make a man disappear?

A pregnancy test!

SBT

04-11-2008, 07:52 PM

Nice :lol5:

Hannibal

04-11-2008, 07:54 PM

What do you call the magic wand that can make a BOY disappear?

A pregnancy test!

I fixed your typo ;)

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intriguedby the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked ather six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about herselections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

dvsness

04-17-2008, 01:22 AM

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving.'

NYCStrongFox

04-30-2008, 06:40 PM

Letter to the Editor:

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,Susie.?

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.? Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.?Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury tookonly 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

dvsness

04-30-2008, 07:08 PM

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."

dvsness

05-01-2008, 01:25 PM

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?

truds

05-01-2008, 02:30 PM

:D those were funny! Perked me right up!

Femphysiquefan

05-08-2008, 08:25 AM

dvsness

05-14-2008, 01:52 AM

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one(At least, I was...) Compared with Gasoline......

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ....... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 .... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 . $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 . .......$123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 .... $25.42 per gallon

Scope ! 1.5 oz $0.99 .. $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............(you won't believe it....but it is true........)$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

SandraWickham

05-14-2008, 10:56 PM

I haven't had a chance to do any posting lately and I get a little overwhelmed and feel lost with all the threads I've been missing out on....but THIS thread I can jump in on........

I was just sent this today by a friend:

Women and how they feel about their as*es

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their as*es. The
results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their as* is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their as* is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a
good man and they would have married him anyway.

NYCStrongFox

05-15-2008, 01:28 PM

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons - round and
irm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears - still nice but hanging
a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised , smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree -
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch - flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas Tree."

"A Christmas Tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

dvsness

05-22-2008, 04:18 PM

http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/7922/forumregularsliten1da0uk.jpg

jenscats5

05-22-2008, 05:45 PM

Bad joke time:

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

NACHO cheese!! :rolf:

Shelly

05-22-2008, 05:50 PM

Bad joke time:

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

NACHO cheese!! :rolf:

:LOLOL::LOLOL:

dvsness

05-23-2008, 01:27 PM

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide e child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'

dvsness

05-31-2008, 02:33 AM

Federal Rebate Checks:

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate. If we spend it at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan - and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep the money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA.

Thank you for your help and please support the US ...

Siouxcountry

05-31-2008, 03:12 AM

Bad joke time:

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

NACHO cheese!! :rolf:

That was bad! :spit:

scottnva

05-31-2008, 03:20 AM

What can you do 365 rubbers...

Heat them up

Mold them into a tire

and call it a GOODYEAR

Bernie

05-31-2008, 03:59 AM

Bernie

05-31-2008, 04:14 AM

two guys walk into a bar....

the second guy said, "i didnt see it either"

a rabbi, a priest, and a shamen walk into a bar....

the bartender looks up and says, "what is this? a joke?

what do micheal jackson and a silver medalist have in common?

they both came in a little behind

why was micheal jackson upset when he heard Boyz II Men won a Grammy?

he thought it was a delivery service.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. the judge is looking through the paper work and looks at Mickey and says, " you know Mickey. Minnie being crazy is not grounds for a divorce."

Mickey looks at the judge and says, "I never said she was crazy your honor. I said she was fucking Goofy."

Femphysiquefan

06-02-2008, 04:35 AM

http://www.siouxcountry.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=4275&stc=1&d=1212381186

jenscats5

06-02-2008, 12:33 PM

Another bad one:

Two vampire are walking down the street and pass by a morgue. The one vampire says to the other "Want to stop in for a cold one?"

:rolf:

NYCStrongFox

06-15-2008, 06:57 PM

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to th e store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you we re born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!

NYCStrongFox

06-15-2008, 07:07 PM

Problem Name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete.... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the
hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer
the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU.

(A good clean joke is hard to find these days --- pass it on! )

NYCStrongFox

06-15-2008, 07:09 PM

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Maria,
times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives
me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why
you deserve one.'

Maria says, 'Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'I see.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

She got the raise.

NYCStrongFox

06-15-2008, 07:14 PM

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked what he knew about sex.

"Tarzan not know about sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, pointing, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "Why did you do that?"

Tarzan replied, "Must check for squirrel.
:LOLOL:

NYCStrongFox

06-15-2008, 07:16 PM

DIVORCE VS. MURDER
>
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, 'I would like to
buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
In bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

LadyZ

06-15-2008, 07:18 PM

OMG!!!! LMAO!!! :rolf::rolf:

NYCStrongFox

06-15-2008, 07:23 PM

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your wee wee?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your wee wee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock'." and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET'. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
:D

NYCStrongFox

06-15-2008, 07:25 PM

:OMG!!!! LMAO!!! :rolf::rolf:

I think I caught up a little and pulled out some good ones from my bag of funnies.:D The Jane and Tarzan joke had me on the floor.

Femphysiquefan

06-18-2008, 05:07 PM

Found this one online and gave me a good laugh, so.......

******************

The Husband's Revenge

One evening last week, a husband and wife were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up and the husband started getting excited, but eventually his wife said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

He said "WHAT? What was that?" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to his puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, he went to sleep.

The very next day the man opted to take the day off of work to spend time with his wife. They went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at Neiman Marcus.

He walked around with his wife while she tried on several different VERY expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so he told her they'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so he said they should get a pair for each outfit.

The couple went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited, she must have thought her husband was one wave short of a shipwreck.

The husband started to think his wife was testing him because she asked for a tennis bracelet when he knew she didn't even know how to play tennis. He threw her for a loop when he said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all, dear. Lets go to the cashier!!"

The husband could hardly contain myself when he blurted out to his wife, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT? "

He then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile."

Then, in the exact same tone in which she had said it to him, he said to her, "You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when his wife had this look like she was going to kill him he added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently the two of them won't be having sex again until sometime when monkeys fly out of her butt while pigs fly over a frozen hell.

Femphysiquefan

06-18-2008, 05:14 PM

And you think YOU'VE got high gas prices............

http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w80/femphysiquefan/63.jpg

dvsness

06-18-2008, 06:07 PM

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13...13...'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, '14..14...14...'

Femphysiquefan

06-18-2008, 08:56 PM

http://sparks.microntec.com.br/Divertido%20-%20men_vs_women_shopping.jpg

hoosierchic

06-19-2008, 02:36 PM

Best pick-up line in a gay bar?

"May I push in your stool?" :p

Aletha

06-24-2008, 05:30 PM

ROTFLMAO....BIG TIME.

ibarramedia

06-24-2008, 07:45 PM

http://sparks.microntec.com.br/Divertido%20-%20men_vs_women_shopping.jpg

I've seen that before. *Classic* :)

Femphysiquefan

07-03-2008, 02:54 PM

sw_1CIwwEIA

DAUGTHEROFGOD

07-03-2008, 03:05 PM

OK, THAT'S JUST WRONG, LOLOLOLOL :)

Femphysiquefan

08-08-2008, 10:51 PM

31JNEVHZxO8#

Dane22

08-27-2008, 04:54 PM

[QUOTE=NYCStrongFox;61567]25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

I think our mothers must have grown up together... :)

Dane22

08-27-2008, 05:08 PM

After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her... She says, "explain the dildo fool", he says "explain the kids bitch"

After great sex she laid there strokin his willy. He asked, "Do you want more?" she said "No I'm just admiring it... I used to have one just like it !":D

NYCStrongFox

09-08-2008, 03:28 AM

sw_1CIwwEIA

LOL this video was too funny :lol5:

NYCStrongFox

09-08-2008, 03:29 AM

A nice evening bath.......

It was time for Father John's Saturday evening bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old Sister Superior told her to do Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, and do whatever he told her to do...

The next morning the old Sister Superior asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

Saved??? And how did that fine thing come about?" "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him, he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord
keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his
Key of Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact,"said the old nun more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.

AND IT DID!!!, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

:angel:

NYCStrongFox

09-08-2008, 03:55 AM

OFFICE POLICY FOR 2008

DRESS

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see
you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just
right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.

SICK

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS!

BEREAVEMENT

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early.

BATHROOM

Entirely too much time is being spent on the toilet. There is now a strict
three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin under the 'chronic offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.

LUNCH

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time need to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be
directed elsewhere.

NYCStrongFox

09-08-2008, 04:02 AM

Little Mark ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.

'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f_cking difference?' asks the father

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

MARK says 'M@s-tur-b@te.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'

Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl@wjob.'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p_ss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urin@te.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-n@te' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f_cking beautiful!''

LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f_cking business.

I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!

musclefox

09-08-2008, 04:32 AM

O.K. people.....these are "clean" jokes we should all be able too laugh at:

Q. Why do men become smarter during sex?

A. (Because they are plugged into a genius)

Q. Why don't women blink during sex?

A. (They don't have enough time)

Q. Why does it Take 1 Million Sperm to Fertilize One egg?

A. (They don't stop to ask directions)

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. (Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual"

Q. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?

(Don't know..........it never happened)

musclefox

09-08-2008, 04:50 AM

Thousands of years ago, there was the 'garden of eden' which was in california (just for the joke's sake, of course). God came down to see what Adam was doing.

"What's going on Adam", he asked.

And Adam replied "Not much right now God".

"Well Adam" God said, "since I Love you so much, I am going to give you anything you desire".

"Anything?" asked Adam.

"Anything!" replied God.

"O.K., I would love for you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii, so I can go there anytime I want, and it will be my own personal highway/bridge".

And God said, "You know......that would take ALOT of concrete and steel, and would be bad for the environment. So I'll tell you what. Choose anything else - and it's yours!!!".

"Well....(adam thought).....there is one other thing I've always wanted".

"Just name it" commanded God.

"I've always wanted to Understand women."

And God immediately replied. "Did you want one lane or two (on the bridge)???"

Femphysiquefan

09-09-2008, 02:49 PM

MODERN CORPORATE STRUCTURE

Chairman Of The Board
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive.
Faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water when the water is calm.
Talks with God.

Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug of war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by a locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

Manager
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver.
Talks to walls.

Trainee
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says, "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to self.

Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.

musclefox

09-10-2008, 03:06 AM

Back in January, when the Presidential race consisted of more potential candidates, there was a meeting at an airport. Troops were arriving back in the states after serving in Iraq. Chelsea Clinton was 'on-hand' to meet and greet these brave warriors (and possibly exalt her mothers cause to sneek into the oval office, where Bill had such a good time). Chelsea calmly began talking too a young marine who had just finished his second tour-of-duty, and was taking a little "RNR" before going back for a third tour-of-duty. And after a short time of 'shooting the breeze', she asked him, "So, from least to greatest what are your 3 greatest fears?". He thought briefly and then replied directly, "OSAMA...OBAMA...and YO' MAMA!!!"

dvsness

10-17-2008, 01:41 PM

Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.

musclefox

10-17-2008, 01:54 PM

Niiiiiiiiicccccce :LOLOL: :The boy catches on quickly....:idea:

Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.

dvsness

10-24-2008, 04:25 PM

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy donkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many donkeys around, went out and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy donkeys at $20 each.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching donkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of donkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a donkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy donkeys at $50 each!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these donkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the donkeys for $700 billion.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of asses!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!

Femphysiquefan

10-25-2008, 10:09 AM

Some more political humor, courtesy of The Onion News Network:

viVAAy_qkx0

RGWakF5XgYM

-PFY-Zm8j0E

Femphysiquefan

11-19-2008, 09:37 AM

n_UbFjUlWnI

JBilella

11-19-2008, 02:56 PM

some funny stuff right here.. great job

dvsness

12-08-2008, 09:12 PM

Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy
Stunning Break with Last Eight Years

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.
Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.

"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."

The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.

"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

dvsness

01-29-2009, 03:27 PM

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

DistinctChoice

01-29-2009, 04:09 PM

Number 1 is HILARIOUS! :rolf:

...at least to me it is. Thanks for the laughs!

jbigfoot

01-29-2009, 06:25 PM

Last year at Christmastime, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, my sister is a BLONDE.

jbigfoot

01-29-2009, 06:29 PM

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, 'I outlived the b*tches.'

jbigfoot

01-29-2009, 06:32 PM

1. "Since my last report, this airman has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this officer to breed."

3. "This NCO is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This lieutenant has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This captain is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This NCO should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a dumpster."

17. "This major brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two NCOs talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "The crossing gates are down and the lights are flashing, but there's no train."

24. "This airman has two brains cells -- one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give this NCO a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; this colonel only gargled."

31. "Takes her 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

jbigfoot

01-29-2009, 06:45 PM

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to b e real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

musclefox

01-30-2009, 03:56 AM

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

OMG. These are 'Nuckin-futs'. :spit:

dvsness

02-05-2009, 07:12 PM

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below...

'A Last Name.' -- You Pervert!

musclefox

02-05-2009, 08:21 PM

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

:lol5: This is true about Lucy who we love!

musclefox

02-05-2009, 08:33 PM

Arkansas governer application

First name: ______________________
Last name(if known):______________

Address (where you live):_________
__________________________________

Mother's name_____________________
(also relation, i.e., sister)

Birthdate(yours):__________________

Father's name:_____________________
(if known, if not, list choices)

Color of neck:
Light Red ( )
Medium Red( )
Dark Red ( )
No Neck ( )

Year of pickup truck:_____________

List all that you have in your truck:

Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Dead Road Kill( )
Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city?
(Like Little Rock) Yes ( ) No ( )

How far can you throw cow pies?____
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( )
Sister( ) Aunt ( ) Mother( )
Neighbor's dog( )

Does your wife weigh:
Less than 200 Pounds( )
Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( )
More than a 747( )

Do you know what a 747 is?
Yes( ) No( )

How much smarter than you
is your wife:

50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )

Does your wife wear:

A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( )

Understood previous questions:

Yes( ) No( ) Huh?( )
All of the Above( )
What "previous" mean?( )

Color of wife's hair:

Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( )
Black( ) Bald( )

Last Elvis sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________

Can you count past five:
Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less
why on Earth you want to be Governor
of Arkansas:

________________________________
Signature ('X' if you can't write)

NYCStrongFox

02-07-2009, 02:01 AM

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

:LOLOL:

NYCStrongFox

02-07-2009, 02:05 AM

THREE WOMEN,TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER ,SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,
'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE ,I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........
' WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...
I'M GETTING A FAX ' !!

Ann Caliri

02-07-2009, 03:03 AM

Here's one since tax time is coming up....

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten year old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

The boy immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter.

He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure his son is ok, the father rushes over to the man and starts thanking him, saying, "Wow, I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic! Are you a doctor?" "Oh, good heavens no," the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

dvsness

02-10-2009, 04:50 PM

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay him respect, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

musclefox

03-08-2009, 07:22 PM

:no: (not good)

musclefox

04-14-2009, 05:07 PM

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'

dvsness

09-11-2009, 02:31 PM

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fucking forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

jbigfoot

09-11-2009, 07:20 PM

Siouxcountry

09-11-2009, 07:21 PM

dvsness

09-23-2009, 02:59 PM

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was the man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

dvsness

12-14-2009, 07:10 PM

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called : Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are
so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own.